A little help?

Dear Federal Government,

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to go about this and I’m a little embarrassed to even ask, but do you think I could get one of those economic bailouts I keep hearing people talk about?
I admit some of my current financial situation is my own fault. I realize now I didn’t actually need a solid gold toilet in my new house. And yes, in retrospect, committing so much of my savings to building a breeding operation for Argentinian Performing Hamsters was probably not a good idea.
We all make mistakes, right? Why dwell on the past? However it happened, I need help and I need it now. I’ve got bills to pay and an angry man named Arturo breathing down my neck. He’s got a show to put on and I can’t get any of his stars to run on that little wheel without tripping, much less walk the high wire.
As you can see, there will be some pretty significant consequences if my finances are allowed to collapse in such a spectacular fashion. This isn’t just about me, though. My financial troubles will have far reaching consequences. With money tighter I imagine I’ll eat out less, for example, which could spell disaster for Taco Bells and Burger Kings throughout the south metro. Who will eat the bean burritos and cheeseburgers if not me?
If I don’t get a fast infusion of cash I won’t be able to pay my mortgage. I keep hearing about what a problem foreclosures are becoming. Well, here’s your chance to start turning the tide.
Also, and I really can’t stress this enough, I’m pretty sure Arturo is about to take me out with a bolo. I freak out every time I see someone dancing the tango. This is no way to live.
I’m not asking for a lot. I don’t need the billions you’ve promised to save American International Group or that guy Freddie Mack I keep hearing about. I’m just looking for a little something to help me get back on my feet. I think $972.36 should do it. If you wanted to throw in one of those new iPhones that would be totally cool.
I’m not just asking for a handout, though. In return for your investment in my future I am willing to offer the Federal Government a .73 percent share in my life. If you come through with the amount I’m asking for I will allow you to make crucial decisions like what socks I wear each day and where I eat dinner (choices limited to Taco Bell or Burger King or, if I’m feeling adventurous, Chipotle). If you throw in the iPhone I’ll let you choose one menu item for me at each meal (Come on, cinnamon twists!).
I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me here, Federal Government. I know you’ve got a lot on your mind but I think I’ve laid out a proposal that can work for everyone. Please let me know if there other steps I need to take to get this process moving — if I need to fill out an official bailout form, or come to Washington to make my case in person. If I need to apply in person, though, could you please add the cost of airfare to my bailout request?
I await your response.
Thank you in advance,
Nathan Hansen