A little help?

Dear Federal Government,

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to go about this and I’m a little embarrassed to even ask, but do you think I could get one of those economic bailouts I keep hearing people talk about?
I admit some of my current financial situation is my own fault. I realize now I didn’t actually need a solid gold toilet in my new house. And yes, in retrospect, committing so much of my savings to building a breeding operation for Argentinian Performing Hamsters was probably not a good idea.
We all make mistakes, right? Why dwell on the past? However it happened, I need help and I need it now. I’ve got bills to pay and an angry man named Arturo breathing down my neck. He’s got a show to put on and I can’t get any of his stars to run on that little wheel without tripping, much less walk the high wire.
As you can see, there will be some pretty significant consequences if my finances are allowed to collapse in such a spectacular fashion. This isn’t just about me, though. My financial troubles will have far reaching consequences. With money tighter I imagine I’ll eat out less, for example, which could spell disaster for Taco Bells and Burger Kings throughout the south metro. Who will eat the bean burritos and cheeseburgers if not me?
If I don’t get a fast infusion of cash I won’t be able to pay my mortgage. I keep hearing about what a problem foreclosures are becoming. Well, here’s your chance to start turning the tide.
Also, and I really can’t stress this enough, I’m pretty sure Arturo is about to take me out with a bolo. I freak out every time I see someone dancing the tango. This is no way to live.
I’m not asking for a lot. I don’t need the billions you’ve promised to save American International Group or that guy Freddie Mack I keep hearing about. I’m just looking for a little something to help me get back on my feet. I think $972.36 should do it. If you wanted to throw in one of those new iPhones that would be totally cool.
I’m not just asking for a handout, though. In return for your investment in my future I am willing to offer the Federal Government a .73 percent share in my life. If you come through with the amount I’m asking for I will allow you to make crucial decisions like what socks I wear each day and where I eat dinner (choices limited to Taco Bell or Burger King or, if I’m feeling adventurous, Chipotle). If you throw in the iPhone I’ll let you choose one menu item for me at each meal (Come on, cinnamon twists!).
I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me here, Federal Government. I know you’ve got a lot on your mind but I think I’ve laid out a proposal that can work for everyone. Please let me know if there other steps I need to take to get this process moving — if I need to fill out an official bailout form, or come to Washington to make my case in person. If I need to apply in person, though, could you please add the cost of airfare to my bailout request?
I await your response.
Thank you in advance,
Nathan Hansen

Living in a fantasy

To the commissioner of the Vicious Viking Fantasy Football league:
First, I want to thank you for the opportunity to compete in your league this year. I know some members were reluctant to take in someone with so little fantasy football experience. I promise to take seriously the responsibility of managing the statistics of millionaire athletes who neither know nor care that they exist and I appreciate you allowing me in at only twice the normal entry fee and. I hope I do not disappoint you or the rest of the fantasy coaches. They seem like a great group of guys.
However, before we get too far into the seasons there seems to be some draft-related draft confusion I'd like to get cleared up. If you don't mind, I'll go round by round so we can clear things up.
Round 1: This is a big one. Clearly I was joking when I announced my decision to take Vikings quarterback Tarvaris Jackson with the first overall pick. I thought that was obvious when I made that "T-Jack? More like cheddar-jack" comment and everyone laughed. In retrospect they might have been laughing at something else. Anyway, my intended pick here was Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Please make that change.
Round 2: I'm thrilled with this pick. I never would have expected Tom Brady to be available here? I'm excited about his durability. This is one guy you can count on having on the field week in and week out.
Round 3: Honestly, someone should have pointed out that LaDanian Tomlinson had already been taken. I'll admit I was managing the stats of my World of Warcraft character and not paying as much attention as I should have been, but fair is fair. I propose my opponent and I split LT's points or maybe alternate weeks with him in our make-believe backfields.
Round 4: A lot of the guys warned me against taking Adam "Pacman" Jones here. I understand it's a risk, given that he plays defense. But this is a guy who got suspended from the league for being involved in a fight that ended up with a dude getting paralyzed, then took up professional wrestling. Clearly you never know what he's going to do, and I like that kind of excitement.
Round 5: I hesitate to make any unwarranted accusations here, but I'm starting to think people were treating the new guy a little unfairly. Is it my fault I didn't know Walter Payton was both out of the league and several years dead? Where's the sportsmanship? I'd appreciate you replacing this pick with O.J. Simpson. Fair is fair.
Round 6: Apparently I drafted the Minnesota Gophers offensive line here. I have no idea how that happened.
Round 7: I really don't see the problem with drafting only the Vikings run defense here. If there was a rule against that someone really should have explained it ahead of time.
Round 8: It was explained several times during the draft that it's unusual to take three quarterbacks before drafting a single wide receiver but this just feels like the right place for T-Jack. Skål Vikings, right?
Rounds 9-12: In the interest of moving things along I let my fellow league members choose my receiving corps out of a hat but I seem to have lost the slips of papers with the players' names. I'm open to suggestions here.
Round 13 and beyond:I honestly don't remember what happened from this point on. I believe I had dozed off. If anyone can fill me in on how my team ended up I'd appreciate it.
As you can see these are all fairly minor issues and they should be easy to resolve. Now, if you don't mind a little good-natured "trash talk" — did I use that term right? — I am quite confident in the my team and believe you might just as well turn your entry fees over to me now. In the face, dudes!
Kind regards,
Nathan Hansen

----------------
Now playing: Thom Yorke - And It Rained All Night
via FoxyTunes

Going nuts for the convention

For four days this week the eyes of the world will be on St. Paul as the Republican Party holds its convention and officially names John McCain its candidate for President.

Or, if not the world, then at least the United States will be paying close attention.
And, OK, if not the entire United States, then at least the Americans out there who are truly invested in the political process. That's gotta be at least a couple dozen, right?
There's not much surprise left in the political conventions these days. Where candidates once fought for the support of delegates things now are wrapped up well before the convention ever rolls around. The biggest uncertainty heading into this week's Republican convention had to do with whether McCain would choose Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty as his running mate. Apparently, though, McCain did not feel he needed help pulling in the coveted Pond Hockey demographic and instead went with a governor from one of the few states even colder and more remote than Minnesota.
With all the uncertainty removed from the process we're left with a series of overlong speeches meant to get people excited about the wagon to which they've hitched their Presidential hopes. It's the Academy Awards without the glamour, the star power or the awkward musical numbers — well, unless you count dancing delegates.
According to one news report last week the Republican convention is expected to draw such notable celebrities as the guy who played Toby on The West Wing — apparently forgetting he played a Democrat on TV — and Laura Prepon, who played Donna on That 70s Show — apparently forgetting that nobody much considers her a celebrity anymore.
You want a sign actual work is far from a priority this week at the Xcel Center? Consider that one of the big decisions local politicians made in the weeks leading up to the convention — right up there with whether to strip search everyone in the city or just people within two miles of the convention — was whether to allow bars to stay open later. Nothing says Serious Political Debate like a debate about how late you can get your last martini.
None of which should suggest the conventions can't be fun to watch. Barack Obama's speech at last week's Democratic National Convention was very good. And while McCain is not known as a dynamic speaker we can at least look forward to shots of delegates in clothing no self-respecting person should ever consider wearing outside of their own home.
Then, there's the promotion of the convention. A couple of weeks ago the committee responsible for organizing the convention sent me a media kit that included a bag of peanuts. I'm still trying to decide whether the message of the package was, "The symbol of the Republican party is an elephant. Elephants like peanuts. Isn't this whimsical?" or, "Republicans hate reporters with peanut allergies."
By the time most of you read this column the Republicans will have given their speeches and moved on from St. Paul. All we'll be left with is a bunch of memories and a faint smell of self-importance as we gear up for two more months of political campaigning.
Well, that and a bag of stale peanuts.

----------------
Now playing: BT - 1.618
via FoxyTunes