Being thankful is a gas

We've once again reached the final week of November, which means according to international newspaper columnist guidelines I am required to write something with a Thanksgiving theme. I don't make the rules, folks. I just follow them unquestioningly when I don't have any better idea for a column topic.
Besides, I've got a lot of things to be thankful for this year.
Maybe the biggest is the fact I've managed to survive more or less intact my first year as a homeowner. It's been a year just about to the day since I signed away a healthy percentage of my paychecks over the next three decades and everything is still in one piece. I haven't taken out any load bearing walls with an ill-advised home improvement project and I still have all my most important appendages. I consider that a pretty significant victory.
I'm thankful for the recognition this little newspaper continues to receive. In September I made the trip to St. Paul to collect an armload of awards presented to the Rosemount Town Pages by the National Newspaper Association. Among them was a first place trophy in the category of General Excellence.
As if that wasn't enough, earlier this month we learned the Minnesota Newspaper Association loves us, too. We won't know what places we've taken until the association's convention in January, but we know the Town Pages will take home prizes for general reporting and use of photography
I'm thankful for the gradual triumph of laziness over the need for human beings to do anything for themselves. The latest victory here comes on the pizza delivery front, where I can now use my TiVo box to order a Domino's pizza from the comfort of my couch. I don't have to walk to the phone. I don't have to talk to anyone. If I could just get someone to chew my food for me mama-bird style I might never have to move again.
I'm thankful for other, less pathetic advances in technology. A few weeks ago I gave in to my desire for shiny, new gadgets and bought an iPhone. In the short time I've owned the phone I've already used it to record a podcast for our web page and to jot down some of the ideas for this column. As soon as they make a phone that comes up with better ideas I'll be set for life.
Maybe most of all, though, I'm thankful I'm not the unnamed 13-year-old Florida boy who, according to the Associated Press, was arrested Nov. 4 for, I quote, "'Passing gas' and turning off his classmates' computers."
The AP reported the boy was taken into custody disrupted his class by "intentionally breaking wind" and shutting off computers other students were using.
As my mother helpfully pointed out when I shared this story, it is unclear from the story whether the boy somehow managed to use his toots to deactivate the computers. If he has somehow managed to harness his body's baser functions with such precision I say he's dangerous and should be locked up.
The boy was charged with disruption of school function and released to his mother. Who was no doubt incredibly proud.
And who almost certainly took beans off the menu for Thanksgiving dinner.