Dude, put some pants on!

Dear naked guys hanging out in the locker room at the gym,
Seriously, guys, what's that all about? I get that there needs to be some degree of nakedness in the locker room. It goes with the territory when you've got large crowds of men who need to change clothes in the same room. And I get that, even in the typically reserved Scandinavian population of Minnesota, there are some people who are more at ease with the idea of lounging, stark raving naked, in a room filled with other dudes in similar states of undress. Maybe you're really excited about your body. Maybe you've reached a point in your life where you just don't give a darn. Maybe I'm just being uptight and I should applaud you for the level of comfort you have with your own body. If so, kudos. But I still don't want to see your fanny. There need to be limits in the locker room. A pants-up pact, if you will. Like I said, some level of nudity is unavoidable. Naked dudes in the shower is a given. I certainly don't expect the nation's gym-going public to suddenly wash up in their bathing suits. But if you're going to or coming from the shower, for god's sake put on a towel. I realize we all have basically the same parts, but I really don't care. My co-workers' cars all have engines that look more or less like the engine in my car, but I don't want to see them. Speaking of the shower, know that if one or both of us is naked in the locker room I do not want to talk to you. If I don't know you, please do not try to start a conversation with me in the shower. I don't want to be rude. I just really won't have anything to say to you. As long as one of us is showing more than 75 percent of our skin I'm not going to have an opinion about the big game, the election or the weather. Heck, even if we're close friends chances are I'm not going to want to chat. Please understand. I also accept a certain amount of nakedness is necessary as people change from street to workout clothes and vice versa. Still, some of you seem to stretch this farther than is absolutely necessary. There is really no reason to be topless and bottomless at the same time. Changing clothes should not take long. And it should not involve conversation with the person at the locker next to you. Again, my level of chattiness is nearly directly proportionate to the degree to which I and those around me are clothed. And I'm not all that talkative to start with. I don't understand men who choose to perform detailed acts of personal grooming at the gym, but if you truly feel the need to shave in the locker room, please put some pants on. Finally, to the guy my brother saw Sunday using the urinal while mooning anyone who happened to look the wrong way  — seriously, you don't think that was a bit much? Put some pants on!

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