Up in smoke

Boy, did I choose the wrong week to start smoking.
Just when I figured out the best way to fit in with the cool crowd is by sucking on a flaming tube of dried leaves and chemicals, the state of Minnesota tells me I can’t light up when I go out for a drink. If there’s a better time to fill your lungs with cancer-causing agents than when you’re soaking your liver in alcohol, I don’t know what it is.
I don’t know why it took so long for me to see the Zippo-fueled light when it comes to smoking. I made it through high school and college without once feeling the urge to pick up a cigarette. I’d like to think I was above that kind of peer pressure. Or that I was smart enough to recognize the many health risks associated with tobacco. Or even that I was so committed to my role as a mediocre junior varsity soccer player and cross country skier that I didn’t want to jeopardize the health of my lungs. You have to be able to breathe deeply if you want to cheer adequately from the sidelines.
More likely, though, I just knew I was unpopular enough that taking up smoking would never make me cooler. Just wheezier.
Things are different now, though, and I’m not sure why. I can only assume that exposure to countless images of celebrities smoking cigarettes has helped me to realize just how totally awesome I could look with a cigarette in my hand.
I’ve seen lots of pictures of Britney Spears smoking, and everybody thinks she’s cool. Right? And Lindsay Lohan? I’ve seen pictures of her smoking and she’s pretty much the epitome of Hollywood glamour these days. Isn’t she?
Anyway, I see both of them on the covers of People and US Weekly just about every time I go to the grocery store, so I figure they must be doing something right.
Celebrities are always smoking in movies, too. Although, now that I think about it, most of the characters that smoke are villains. Batman is dark and mysterious, but you never see him with a bat-cigarette lighter in his utility belt. Superman was a stalker and a deadbeat dad in his most recent movie, but he never used his heat vision to fire up a butt.
Heroes only smoke when they are in their darkest hour. Or maybe when they need a cigarette to create a delay for the fuse of a bomb. So, I guess cigarettes are useful for foiling evil plans, too. There’s pretty much nothing they can't do.
Now our state legislators want to take the cool-making, world-saving power of cigarettes out of our hands when we’re out at dinner or at the bar for a drink. And what do they offer us in return? Healthier workplaces for members of the service industry? Clothes that don’t reek of exhaled chemicals after a Friday night out? Free reign to look down our noses at people huddled outside bars in the middle of winter just so they can satisfy their urge for a cigarette?
Is it really worth it?

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