Fido too fat? Time for a doggie diet

Americans have heard for years about how fat we're all getting. But there's another health crisis that has flown below the radar. At least until now.
Apparently, it's not just humans whose waistlines are expanding at an alarming rate. Our dogs are packing on the pounds, too.
We're raising a nation of fat foxhounds, pudgy poodles and chunky chows. According to the Chicago Tribune, as many as 40 percent of America's pet dogs (about 17 million) are getting way too thick around the middle. Our best friends are tubbing out all over the place and it's affecting their health.
Now, though, there's a solution. And it's nothing unpleasant like taking our dogs for regular walks or resisting the urge to feed them treats by the shovelful. It's the kind of level-headed, minimal-effort solution any red-blooded America-loving dog owner looks for when it comes time to lose weight: diet drugs.
That's right. We're getting doggy diet pills. Pfizer, the company that brought us Viagra, recently received FDA approval for something called Slentrol, which it advertises as the first and only diet drug for dogs. Just pour the liquid on Fido's food or give it to him directly and watch the pounds melt away. All for no more than $1.50 per day.
Just make sure you give him the right drug, or you might never get him off your leg.
Somehow, it seems like there should be a simpler solution here. Something like taking the dog outside to play every once in a while. Maybe throwing a ball for it to chase. Or just not feeding Spot heaping bowls of food every day — all solutions, I might point out, that are completely free.
Supporters of the drug, though, claim Americans are far too busy these days to take their dogs for regular walks. We lead hectic lives. We have places to go, people to see. Sometimes ol' Rover has to take a back seat.
I don't know. In a world where millions of people watch The War at Home every week and movies like Little Man make more than $100 million at the box office I have trouble believing we can't squeeze in a half hour for a quick walk. Bonus: maybe that even helps with the whole "Fat Americans" thing.
In many cases, though, dogs have become so much like a member of the family people just can't resist spoiling them. One vet quoted in the Tribune's story claims some of her patients regularly drive their dogs to McDonald's or Burger King for a burger or an ice cream cone. She doesn't say whether they supersize the meals, but I'm guessing yes.
And that's not all. I used to live down the block from a bakery that sold nothing but treats for dogs. I've seen doggy-sized staircases designed so our pets don't even have to exert themselves enough to jump on the couch. And it is now possible to buy at least two different brands of beer for dogs.
That last one surprised me a little. I stumbled across the first doggie suds — a Dutch pet shop owner's concoction, called Kwispelbier — while I was writing this. Then, as I tried to find that story again, I came across Happy Tail Ale. Both dog beers are non-alcoholic. Both appear to be essentially meat-flavored water. If you're interested, you can order a sixer of the Happy Tail brand on sale from Petco.com for just $18 plus shipping. That's a little more than $3 a bottle, or roughly $32 per gallon.
So there's Slentrol, which seems to work pretty darn well. According to Pfizer's four-month study of the drug, 97 percent of 144 dogs lost weight on Slentrol and half lost 11 percent or more of their body weight.
Side effects? According to a Pfizer press release cited by the Tribune vomiting is the most common. Also possible: diarrhea, lethargy and anorexia. So, your dog will be thin but lazy and your carpets will be a mess. Also, Lassie will develop the same body-image problems as a runway model. Seems like a fair trade.
Anything to avoid that walk in the park.