Facing the new year with resolve

I've never been big on New Year's resolutions. Maybe it's because I'm uncomfortable making out life-altering to-do lists on a night that has a well-earned reputation for heavy alcohol consumption. Maybe I'm not organized enough to figure out my goals for an entire year before that year has even begun. Or maybe I've always just believed I'm so perfect already no resolution could make me any better.
Well, except maybe that one resolution I made a couple of years ago to be more in touch with reality.
Whatever the reason, I have always entered the new year resolutionless. Adrift and without a list of hastily-scribbled, poorly-defined goals that I could halfheartedly follow for a couple of months and then abandon when I got tired of them.
Hey, I've been to Lifetime Fitness. I see the way the parking lot starts filling up this time of year. I've also seen it get less busy sometime around early March as thousands of resolution breakers settle into their easy chairs with bags of Cool Ranch Doritos.
This year, though, that changes. I figure it’s time to try something new. So, in no particular order, here are Nathan Hansen's New Year's resolutions for 2007.
• I resolve to breathe some fresh life into this column: People tell me they enjoy reading this column. They tell me I make them laugh. From time to time they question my sanity. All of this is good. But it could be better. For 2007 I pledge to shake things up. No more tired old jokes about about bad movies or C-list celebrities or Britney Spears getting photographed without any underpants. I resolve to find all new jokes about bad movies, C-list celebrities and dirty pictures of former Mickey Mouse Club members.
I'm looking at you, Christina Aguilerra.
• I resolve to make this column more local. One of the things we hang our hats on at the Town Pages is putting out a paper that is almost exclusively about Rosemount. Some Dakota County news sneaks in from time to time, but mostly it's about Rosemount people doing things in Rosemount.
Things are a little different with this column. Because we publish two papers from this office and this column runs in both, writing about something specific to one city means I can't run the column in the other paper. That would double my column workload. And that would mean an extra 10, 15 minutes a week. As a consequence, there is rarely much local flavor in the column. That changes this year, though. For example, how about that sports/academic competition team from the local high school? Can you believe how well/poorly they've done so far this year? It sure is impressive/embarrassing.
See, I think that adds something.
• I resolve to write more about the adventures of Bob Corn and his unending fight against the killer zucchini.
• I resolve to make fewer jokes that only my freshman year college roommate would get.
• I resolve to stop letting people know my freshman year college roommate and I had conversations about things like organized hunts for killer zucchini. It might make us sound kind of dorky.
• I resolve to write something that will really mortify my mom. I'm not sure yet what it will be, although she's been out of town since I published last week's Christmas music column so I might be able to check that one off.
• I resolve to clean up the spelling and grammar in this column. My dad tells me he finds some kind of error in this column nearly every week. That doesn't reflect well on me, and I promise to fix that. Failing that, I resolve to find a way to blame someone else.
• I resolve to do everything I can to make this newspaper something all Rosemount residents can enjoy. I know there are interesting stories out there about Rosemount residents and I want to find them. I resolve to find interesting ways to tell the stories that might not otherwise capture people's attention. Rosemount is a great city, and it deserves a great newspaper.
No, seriously.
Now, where are my Doritos?