Superstalker?

Dear Superman,
Can I be honest for a second? You can take it, right? You’re the Man of Steel after all.
It’s just, well, I’ve never really liked you. I guess that sounds a little strange, you standing for Truth, Justice and the American Way, and all. It’s just never really worked for me.
I’m not sure what it is, exactly. It’s just, you’re too … perfect isn’t the word. Nobody with that fashion sense can really be described as perfect. I’ll never be a Vogue model, but even I know the underwear goes on the inside. And knee-high leather boots? What kind of kinky things do you get up to in that Fortress of Solitude? America’s ultimate Boy Scout? I don’t think so.
I guess you’re just a little too much to take. Spider-Man has to live with the belief he’s responsible for his uncle’s death. The X-Men are persecuted by an entire society. And you? As far as I can tell your biggest problem is making sure nobody figures out that when Clark Kent takes off his glasses he looks a whole lot like you. You don’t have any weaknesses. Nobody can even hurt you unless they happen to find some rocks from your home planet that happened to cross the Universe and end up on Earth. I mean, how many of those can there really be lying around.
You’ve even got that cool forehead-curl thing in your hair. Do you know how much I’d give to be able to make my hair curl like that? Actually, not all that much. But it’s still pretty cool.
Anyway, now you’ve got this new movie. And it’s pretty decent. We get to see you flying around and catching a falling airplane and it’s pretty great to see how people react when they realize you’ve come back to them after five years away. Even though nobody seems to put together the fact that you and Clark disappeared and reappeared at the same time. First the glasses thing and now this? There was a survey recently that showed Minneapolis residents were among the most educated in the country. I’m not sure anybody in Metropolis even finished high school.
But, like I said, the movie’s pretty good. Lex Luthor’s one of the best villains around even if it’s never entirely clear how he’s going to stop people from just taking the land on this new continent he’s creating. Or why they’d even want to live someplace that looks like the surface of the moon would look if it were slightly less hospitable. The movie was worth the price of admission, is what I’m saying.
But it raised certain uncomfortable questions. What, I have to ask, is the deal with all the stalking?
I realize you missed Lois Lane. Love of your life and all. And it probably got pretty lonely in those five years you were flying around looking for the remains of your homeworld. But hiding in the trees outside Lois’ house and using your x-ray vision to check out what’s going on inside? That’s just creepy. The movie never shows you looking in on anything inappropriate, but come on — what’s the point of having x-ray vision if you’re not going to put it to good use. Am I right?
Seriously, get over it. There must be tons of Super-groupies out there.
And sneaking into the kid’s room at the end? I know Lois seemed OK with it, but come on. That’s a Michael Jackson move. You’re better than that.
While we’re on the subject, I have some other issues related to your relationship with this kid. But some people probably haven’t seen the movie yet and I don’t want to give anything away. I just hope saving the world pays well because I think you’re going to have some checks to write.
So, where does this leave us, Superman? I know it probably hurt to hear some of these things. I know we’ll probably never be friends. But I hope you understand where I’m coming from. I hope you lay off the stalking thing. And maybe ditch the cape, too. I mean, what does that thing even do?
Regards,
Nathan Hansen