It's all wet

Water is out of control, and I don’t mean in a science fiction, intelligent-water-creatures-are-taking-over-the-earth kind of way. That might actually be kind of cool, at least until we started to get all pruney.
No, I’m talking about bottled water. And, in its own way, that is much more frightening.
Have you been in the bottled water aisle of your local grocery store lately? It’s unsettling enough that stores need an entire aisle to sell something most people can get for free out of their own faucets, but what’s in those aisles is even more remarkable. The bottled water industry appears to have found a way to take perhaps the world’s least remarkable product — honestly, what food or drink product is less interesting than water? It’s like the Jay Leno of the food pyramid — and present it in roughly 47,000 ways. There is plain water. There is carbonated water. There is fruit-flavored water in both carbonated and bubble-free varieties. There is mineral water, which as far as I can tell is a fancy way of saying there’s a little dirt in the bottle. A true water connoisseur could go probably go his entire life and never drink the same kind of water twice.
Then, there are the high-end luxury waters. I can’t say for certain what separates these waters from the rest, but they come in really fancy bottles. These companies appear to put the same effort into designing bottles that car companies put into designing their latest model. Maybe more.
Although, I can’t help but imagine some unsuspecting design specialist pouring his heart and soul into a design and then having a conversation that goes something like this:
Designer: “Here it is. This bottle is my masterpiece. I have poured my heart and soul and every ounce of creativity I have into its design.”
Water executive: “Great. It’s really great. I like how it’s wide at the bottom, then narrow, then wide again. Sexy.”
Designer: “Yes. It speaks to the passion of human nature. Now, do you mind if I ask what you plan to put in this bottle — this physical manifestation of all I hold dear?”
Water executive: “Water.”
Designer: "Excuse me?"
Water executive: "Water. We've discovered that if we put out water in really fancy bottles we can charge a lot more for it."
Designer: “Oh, crud.”
Saratoga Spring Water, for example, advertises water that comes in “an Award Winning Cobalt Blue Glass Bottle.” It’s never entirely clear what award the bottle won, although aside from being blue it seems pretty much unremarkable. Then again, the company’s slogan is “Everything else is just water,” which seems to raise questions about exactly what Saratoga Spring Water Company is selling.
A company called Glaceau sells something called Smartwater, which apparently has some kind of nutrients in it and comes in a fancy glass bottle. According to its entry at bottledwaterstore.com, Smartwater “side effects may include being called nerd, dork, geek, brainiac, know-it-all, smarty-pants, smart alek, bookworm, egghead, four-eyes, Einstein or being mistaken for the I.T. guy.” It’s pretty much exactly what you’d want from a bottled water, I imagine, although I’m not sure how likely it is you’ll be called “brainiac” when you can’t spell “smart aleck.”
Apparently, we are becoming a nation obsessed with bottled water. I’m drinking a bottle even as I type this, for crying out loud. According to the International Bottled Water Association — yes, there is such a thing; there's an association for everything — Americans drank nearly 6.8 billion gallons of bottled water last year. The result, according to the Canadian Dental Association, is an increase in tooth decay.
Apparently, by drinking bottled water we are all missing out on the fluoride introduced into tap water. We are drinking bottled water to avoid pollutants in tap water but losing teeth left and right.
But at least we have cool bottles.