Ready for some bad football?

I'm not much of a sports guy. I'll never be able to talk off the top of my head about how many home runs Justin Morneau hit last year, the Timberwolves' ability to attack a zone defense or the number of illegitimate children fathered by former basketball star Sean Kemp. I follow enough sports to know that when someone brings up Visanthe Shiancoe they're talking about a Vikings player and not a rare tropical disease, but that's about it.
All of which probably made me a bad candidate for watching the Vikings' first preseason game live at the Metrodome. The last time I saw a Vikings game in person Darrin Nelson was the running back and everybody seemed perfectly happy to be playing in the Metrodome. This was back in the days before the Internet when a surprisingly large percentage of the population still genuinely believed the mullet was a good look.
I was pretty OK with my long run of non-attendance. But the Town Pages’ parent company has season tickets, and they never seem to filter down to my level for the really good games. So when general manager Chad Hjellming offered me a seat for Friday's pre-season opener against the Seattle Seahawks, I couldn't say no.
Actually, that's not entirely true. I did say no. More than once. But when the end of the day came and nobody else had claimed the fourth and final seat I started to feel guilty. My reluctance to waste a perfectly good ticket won out over my otherwise complete lack of interest in discovering whether the Vikings' third stringers could outplay the deep reserves of the Seahawks.
"At least it will be fun to see Adrian Peterson carry the ball once," I joked. Who knew I'd be one carry high?
What I got in place of the star running back was a series of passes, a few fumbles and an air guitar competition that should have embarrassed everyone in the Metrodome that night. The PA announcer wanted the crowd to pick a winner, but much like "mullet" and "quality hairstyle," "winner" and "public air guitar" are two things that really never go together.
I also got a whole lot of noise. You know that scene in "This is Spinal Tap" with the amplifier that goes up to 11? I think the Vikings' amplifiers go up to 42. I'm not sure if the crowd ever actually cheered. I'm not sure I could have heard them over the classic rock blaring from the roof.
I saw a few exciting plays last week. In the end, though, my desire to preserve the integrity of my ear drums and my overwhelming lack of interest in just how many times the Vikings reserves could turn the ball over won over my lifelong belief a fan should never leave a sporting event early. I walked out the Metrodome doors and headed for home in the middle of the third quarter, just after fourth-string quarterback John David Booty fumbled the ball away for what was, I think, the Vikings' 17th turnover of the night.
I'm not sure quite what to make of my pre-season football experience. I know the results on the field will have little to no bearing on what happens once the games start for real. And I can't imagine I'll remember any specific plays.
If I can take one thing away from the trip, maybe it's this: Our fourth-string quarterback's name could lend itself to some pretty hilarious commentary. We're one sort-of game into his professional career and I can already describe his play with phrases like "Booty runs," and "Booty fumbles."
When you get right down to it, maybe that's enough.