Something terrible happened to me last week. Something life altering. Something that dramatically impacted my ability to do something as simple as feeding myself.
My microwave broke.
As food-related disasters go, this was miles worse than the great hot plate meltdown of ’04 or that spinach recall from a few months ago. If I had to make a comparison, I'd put it right up there with the Potato Famine.
Maybe you think I'm being melodramatic, but this was a major blow to my cooking routine. Gone from my home-cooked meal rotation are staples like frozen burritos and Hot Pockets and, for the love of Emeril Lagasse, Easy Mac. I can't go back to regular mac now. Boil water? On the stove? Are you crazy? I'm a busy guy. I've got things to do. I've got television shows to watch and video games to play.
I've tried to cope the best I can, but a man can only live on frozen pizza and Chipotle burritos for so long.
I've had to resort to drastic measures recently. I even fired up the grill. I cooked pork tenderloins. I had meals with actual vegetables. My digestive system is still recovering.
Anyway, all this waiting I have to do as I explore non-irradiating cooking methods has left me with a some time to think. And that's always a dangerous thing. Here are a few of the thoughts that have crossed my mind as I waited for the toast to pop up.
• I'm going to start a list of people I'd like to punch in the face. Up first, the guy quoted in the current issue of Newsweek who says he bought a hybrid Honda Civic but traded it in for a Toyota Prius because the Honda looked too much like a regular car and he wasn't getting enough credit from strangers on the street for being sensitive to the environment.
Second on the list is Michael Vick, but only if he's strapped into one of those Hannibal Lecter-style restraint systems.
• The NFL season starts soon, which means football fans nationwide have spent countless hours in recent weeks combing through magazines and web sites and police reports in an attempt to put together the best possible Fantasy Football team. If we devoted this much effort to saving the environment we could solve global warming and Al Gore wouldn't have anything to talk about at parties.
• I've never actually played Fantasy Football, but I see the appeal. It gives the average fan a chance to experience all the the glamour and excitement and prestige of managing a professional sports franchise, but in a way that nobody other than you actually cares about.
With the possible exception of the weather, Fantasy Football might be world's leading cause of incredibly boring conversations. If someone tries to tell me what receiver they drafted in the third round or how many yards their backup quarterback threw for I might actually try to punt him.
• Seriously, there has to be a Fantasy Football league somewhere that uses team arrests as a statistic, doesn't there?
• Fine, two words of advice for anyone out there with a high Fantasy Football draft pick and no idea how to use it: Tarvaris Jackson. But you didn't hear it from me.
• On the bright side, I continue to dominate my one-man Fantasy MLS Soccer league.
• In other super-geeky news that somehow seems acceptable because it's vaguely sports-related: The latest version of the Madden football video game allows players who win their virtual Super Bowl to design and order their own championship ring. And yet somehow people think I'm weird when I wear the "King of Pac Man" cape I made with a shower curtain and a Bedazzler.
• I bought a pack of plain white t-shirts the other day. They came in a resealable package. Why in the world is this necessary? Are my new undershirts likely to go bad? Should I keep them in the refrigerator rather than in my dresser drawer?
If you're ever standing near me and notice an odd smell, I guess now you'll know why.
Whoops, gotta go. My water is boiling.
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