Taking the reins, selling them back

When he accepted basketball coach Dan Monson's resignation last week, University of Minnesota Athletic Director Joel Maturi announced anyone interested in replacing Monson would be a candidate for the job. Since then, there has been a lot of speculation about who might become the next Gopher coach. Some have called for Flip Saunders, the formerTimberwolves coach who once played for the Gophers. Some have suggested former Utah coach Rick Majerus , although the fact he weighs something like 300 pounds and his heart may explode at any moment would seem to make him a liability. You don't want to have to deal with something like that during a TV timeout.
A few people have even suggested Bob Knight, the insane former coach of Indiana who is currently the insane coach at Texas Tech. Presumably any deal with Knight would include a provision to station someone with a tranquilizer dart gun near the court at every game.
There are a number of people out there who are qualified for the job. But I have another suggestion. Me.
I realize this might seem unorthodox at first. I have never coached any sport at any level, unless you count the seasons I've run through on Madden football. I agree that's a strike against me. But former Gopher star Trent Tucker has never coached, either, and that doesn't keep him from getting mentioned as a top candidate.
I also have the advantage of being associated with the Gopher program longer than Mr. Tucker. I've been going to Gopher games since the days I was the only one short enough to see past the overhanging upper deck and read the scoreboard. Considering I'm now 6-6, it's been a while. I've been going to games long enough to see two coaches forced out amid scandal and one pushed to resign. I attended NCAA tournament games in San Antonio that according to record books never even happened. I don't claim to know the ins and outs of a zone defense and I might not know exactly what "palming" is (it sounds kind of dirty) but that kind of dedication has to count for something, doesn't it?
Still, I imagine some might have concerns. How will I win games? How will I bring fans back to Williams Arena? Consider, though, that Dan Monson returned academic credibility to a program that lost that under former coach Clem Haskins. I don't promise to make the team any better on the court, but I promise I will continue making them go to class. Plus, I promise to give away $1,000 a night to a randomly selected fan. That should get people in the seats.
Still not enough? I understand. And if everything goes according to my plan I can guarantee my inept coaching will never sully the record of the Gopher basketball team. I'm talking about a buyout.
As a fan, I only want what is best for this team. And despite my affection for inspirational sports movies like Hoosiers and The Mighty Ducks, clearly I will never have any success as a major-college coach. I recognize that now, before I take the reins, is the time for me to turn the reins of the program over to someone who has a better chance to bring the Gophers success on the court. I am happy now, before I have had a chance to damage the good (well, sort of good) name of Gopher basketball, to step aside.
For a healthy payout, of course. I'm shooting for a cool million, but I might be willing to settle for less. Maybe half a mil. Certainly not less than $75.50. Just one quick payment and the overwhelmingly disappointing Nathan Hansen coaching era can be over even before it starts. Everyone wins.
Dan Monson reportedly accepted a $1.3 million buyout to leave his job. He got that money despite the fact his contract called for a $1 million buyout if he was fired. You can see why I think I might have a shot in this negotiating process.