Go directly to jail

I suppose it's a little foolish to get worked up about consumerism in a game called Monopoly. The entire object of the game, after all, is to beat your opponents into bankruptcy by overcharging them for shoddy properties in questionable neighborhoods (Now that I think about it, a lot of my former landlords were probably pretty good Monopoly players.) so throwing a few corporate logos around the board shouldn't be that big a deal, should it?
Still, I'm troubled. Hasbro is in the process of releasing something called the Here and Now version of the world's best-selling board game. This particular version of the game has been thoroughly modernized. Money comes in larger denominations (players now get a cool $2 million for passing Go) and properties have changed from their familiar, Atlantic City-based names to locations chosen by votes conducted across the country.
Some of the new properties are familiar landmarks. The Gateway Arch in St. Louis is on there, as is the Golden Gate Bridge. Those make sense. They are iconic images of America. Others, though, are less encouraging. In an entirely predictable move that still managed to sadden me, Minnesotans chose to be represented by the Mall of America.
Also on the board: Disney World; Cleveland's Jacobs Field, home of the Major League Baseball team with the mascot most likely to offend Native Americans; the Liberty Bell; and the White House.
That's right, you can buy the White House. Apparently Jack Abramoff served as a consultant for this version. Even more unsettling: at $3.2 million, it's not even the most expensive property on the board. Boston's Fenway Park ($3.5 million) and New York's Time's Square ($4 million) both cost more than the home of the most powerful man in the world who's not Bill Gates. And the properties you need to create a monopoly with 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Wrigley Field and Las Vegas Boulevard. So, it's all perfectly logical.
There are other changes to the game, too. Cell phone and Internet service has replaced electric and water utilities. Airports have replaced railroads. Instead of penalizing players with "income taxes," the game has spaces that require $750,000 payments for "interest on credit card debt." I actually think that number is about right for a lot of Americans. Chance and Community Chest cards have been updated, too. Instead of winning $10 for finishing second in a beauty contest, players can pick up $100,000 for competing on a reality show. Presumably one that involves eating pig intestines, not one that involves dating washed up rappers.
I think it's the new playing pieces that bother me the most, though. Familiar tokens like the iron, the thimble and the dude on the rearing horse have been replaced by McDonald's french fries, a Motorola cell phone and a laptop computer.
The race car? Now it's a Toyota Prius. A Prius! You can't make vrooming sounds going around the board with a hybrid! And there's nothing exciting about making the quiet humming sound of an electric motor.
The Scotty dog? Now it's something called a labradoodle, a Labrador-poodle mix that's reportedly very popular these days. I don't care how popular it is, labradoodle is a ridiculous name. And if you're looking for a dog with a ludicrous name, why not go all out? Why not go with an affenpoo (part affenpinscher, part poodle) or a whoodle (part soft coated wheaton terrier, part poodle). I'm just saying, there are options. And whoodle is a lot of fun to say.
Finally, the ever-popular ankle boot has been replaced by a New Balance sneaker. This actually makes perfect sense, because you know how the kids today like their New Balance.
Admittedly, this isn't the first time brand names and Monopoly have mixed. The Hasbro web site lists versions of the game featuring Sponge Bob Squarepants, Disney and Star Wars, and there are many others out there. And reportedly none of the companies featured on the game tokens paid for the right. New Balance, it seems, was chosen because it is the only athletic shoe brand manufactured in the United States, which I suppose is admirable. Still, there's something that doesn't feel quite right about putting hotels on the Golden Gate bridge or charging rent for staying at the White House, at least since Clinton left office.
And I still think labradoodle is a stupid name.