Pulitzer, here I come

The other day an aunt I don’t see very often asked me if I’d ever thought about writing a book. I haven’t, at least not seriously. I have ideas for stories, but none of them ever really go anywhere. Unless I can find a market for three- or four-paragraph novels with no clear conclusion, I think I’m out of luck.
I suppose I could put more work into developing one or two of those stories, but I’ve always figured there are enough mediocre novels in the world. It never really seemed worth the effort.
Over the weekend, though, I saw something that caused me to reconsider. I was wandering through a book store, minding my own business, when I saw a book — a novel, even — by Nicole Ritchie, a woman best known for being the daughter of singer Lionel Ritchie, for doing lots of drugs and for being at least as annoying as Paris Hilton on the reality show “The Simple Life.”
Richie’s novel, so far as I can gather, is about a young woman with a drug problem who makes a series of “reality commercials” with her best friend. I don’t know if it’s a mystery, a romance or an adventure, because I stopped reading the description after a few sentences when my head started to hurt.
My sophomore English teacher liked to claim reading was good no matter what the book, and I tend to agree with her. But I can’t imagine people who read this book don’t somehow end up dumber because of it.
Richie isn’t the only celebrity with a book. Once you reach a certain level of fame, it’s pretty much possible to get anything you write, including your grocery lists, published.
Paris Hilton and her dog Tinkerbell both have books in stores. Neither one of them has written a novel, although I have a feeling the dog’s got a good techno-thriller in it.
Former Baywatch star and originator of the celebrity sex tape trend Pamela Anderson has two novels — “Star” and “Star Struck” — both of which feature a character that bears an uncanny resemblance to Anderson.
The second book begins with the sentence, “Why do my nipples hurt?” So, at least give Anderson credit for knowing her audience.
Mediocre actor Ethan Hawke has two books, too. Many men admire Ethan Hawke for marrying Uma Thurman. Many men pity him for allowing that marriage to fall apart. No man has ever read either of Ethan Hawke’s books.
(I didn't bother to read the descriptions for either of Hawke's books, mostly because I already had that Uma Thurman joke in mind.)
Former Playboy playmate and all around annoying person Jenny McCarthy has written books about pregnancy and being a new mother. Sample sentence: “There’s nothing in the world like baby poop.”
According to Amazon.com, Jenny McCarthy is a New York Times bestselling author. I figure that’s really got to tick off the people at the New York Times.
Supermodel Naomi Campbell has written a book called “Swan” that has been described as a “supermodel mystery.” I don’t know much more about it, except that it’s characters include an “all-American blonde” model and a “spunky Cuban immigrant.” Now that’s good characterization.
Tennis great Martina Navratalova has a mystery novel called “Breaking Point.” It’s about a “retired tennis champion and amateur sleuth” thrust into the middle of a murder mystery. The summary I read doesn’t mention whether the main character has a bad haircut or looks vaguely like a man, but I really enjoy the idea of Martina annoying current tennis players by poking around their lockers looking for mysteries to solve.
Lots of celebrities have written children’s books, apparently figuring toddlers won’t know enough yet to realize the books are terrible. Madonna, Jamie Lee Curtis and Whoopi Goldberg — three people I’m sure most parents would love to have babysit — have all written children’s books. I once read a children’s book by actor John Lithgow that included several words even I had to look up. I’m not sure he really understands his audience.
Celebrity authors are not a new trend, either. Shirley Temple published a series of stories in the 1930s, and in 1946 Elizabeth Taylor published a story about her adventures with her pet squirrel. I bet they were nutty.
(I apologize for that joke.)
I’m not sure any of this will help me get a book published, but it’s certainly given me an idea for a story. It’s a techno-thriller about a drugged-up heiress and her dog who fall in love with Uma Thurman and solve mysteries at fashion shows. It’s going to be great.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to clear out my search history at Amazon.com.