Isn't it romantic?

I’m not trying to suggest women’s ideas about romance are unrealistic, but have you seen romance novels lately? According to the Feb. 27 issue of Time magazine, the hot new trend in the genre is vampires. Apparently there’s a big crossover between fans of the X-Files and fans of poorly written, vaguely obscene literature.
I don’t know how to react to this. I could handle women getting excited about a shirtless Fabio. I could at least understand that, even if I didn’t understand his particular beefy appeal and happened to take great pleasure a few years ago when a goose smacked into the hunky Italian’s face as he rode a rollercoaster.
But this? If I’ve got this straight, the women of America are fantasizing in large numbers about men who are interested in sucking the life from their bodies. And despite what television sitcoms would have us believe about men being stupid and lazy, I’m not sure any of us is ready to go toe-to-toe with the undead in that department.
I’m not saying women should be fantasizing about plumbers or janitors or newspaper editors, but undying minions of evil? What’s the appeal?
“I think  vampires are very dark, and women have a tendency to want to save them,” Christine Feehan, whose vampire romances regularly sell more than half a million copies, told Time by way of explanation. I don’t buy that. These are vampires we’re talking about. They don’t stay out too late or drink too much or forget to call from time to time. They plunge their teeth into people’s necks and turn them into bloodthirsty creatures of the night. That seems downright antisocial.
Meanwhile, in the real world, women get upset when men leave the toilet seat up.
It’s not just vampires, either. These books are also about shape-shifters and werewolves, even though I have to believe the shedding would be a major turn-off in real life.
There are all kinds of other unrealistic fantasies out there, too. A few years ago someone described to me a romance novel that involved a Viking warrior being transported forward in time – in the mouth of a magic killer whale, no less – and finding tender, passionate love with a modern woman. It’s a nice story, but I think it ignores some pretty commonly held wisdom about the general temperament and hygiene habits of the typical Viking. Not to mention the time travel ability of the common orca.
This isn’t an isolated example, either. Apparently modern women are so fed up with modern men they have created an entire genre of time-travel romance novels. A woman named Tess Mallory has written a trilogy of novels about a Highland warrior transported backward and forward through time. I have no idea what else happens in the books, but I really enjoy the claim in one reader’s review of Mallory’s “Highland Dream” that “Another problem arises when Jamie shows the girls his ansestral (sic) sword.” Isn’t that always the case?
In another book, called “A Blast to the Past,” a modern American explosives expert is transported to 14th century Scotland by the explosion of an “unidentified device.” There, he is mistaken for one of Braveheart’s soldiers, finds love with a young, widowed healer and finds the ingredients to create black powder. According to a Booklist summary on Amazon.com, the book “will appeal to readers who can’t enough of romances set in Scotland featuring a protagonist from the present.” This is a demographic I worry about.
Actually, I think we should be encouraged in some ways by the ability of ancient people’s to so readily adapt to modern conveniences like electricity and flush toilets. Apparently, even when they find themselves in a strange place surrounded by cars and skyscrapers and McDonald’s apple pies they’re still all about finding a solid, long-term relationship. Love really does conquer all, I guess.
Earlier in this column I laid these romantic fantasies at the feet of women. I suppose it’s possible men read these books, but I doubt it. I don’t think men’s fantasies are ever that involved. All we need is a few risqué pictures of Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson and we’re set.
Now that’s realistic.